Kaneki's BIRDS
by Anootnoot
Summary: A certain yellow head visits the Kanekis and gives a gift to their 5 year-old baby girl, which causes her the premature knowledge of "Where do babies come from?" with a not-to-so-informative and kid-friendly "birds and bees" by Nishiki and a glowing ball of energy known in the world as Hide. (Kuroneki),(AU?),(Fluff) (T for mild swearing and mentions of sexual intercourse)


TouKen One-Shot

"Kaneki's BIRDS"

Kaneki stared at the creature that was in his daughter's hand. It was a bird, a robin to be precise. 'Touka wouldn't like that.' He thought.

"Dad, can I keep it?" She asked, showing off those big violet eyes of hers.

"Of Course, you can." Touka interrupted with a smile. Kaneki huffed. 'She wasn't talking to you! She was asking me! Why are you acting like she's been only with you since?!' After a little heart-to-heart session with himself, he finally knew he was wrong and tried to make-up for the fact that he thought about his wife of something like that. He was going to ask her anyway...

"Tou-ka-chan, I thought you hated birds?" Kaneki said as he snaked an arm around her waist. Touka yelped in surprise.

"It's okay mom…" Kaira muttered sadly.

"You know what?" Touka gently lifted Kaira's face with her hand. "You can keep anything in here, as long as you're able to provide the upkeep it needs, okay?"

And there it was her smile can light up their universe. Who would think that this child is a ghoul? Cashew Arima would even probably pinch her chubby cheeks instead of detaining her and making her his new specimen or make her into a quinque, although her kagune not showing up yet at this age gives Kaneki worries about how she was supposed to protect herself for when the CCG evolved and locked her up, of course those are one of the things he wouldn't have. Hell even Touka would go on a rampage to find that "CCG's Shinigami" and make him beg for his life after seeing her ass-whopping kakuja. She got it from eating ghoul meat for several months during their stay at Uta's brand new 11th Ward home after they discovered she and Ken will be having Kaira, they had to flee because the CCG will commence a raid at the whole 20th Ward.

"What's its name?" Touka asked smoothening Kaira's purplish-black hair. She is definitely their daughter, a perfect mix of them two.

"Can I call it…'Idiot'?" She said with hopeful eyes. "It's because, you know... Poo just died a couple of weeks ago." She said, rubbing away the sweat that just formed on her eyebrow.

Both parents were shunned. What their daughter received from them is a small "Okay".  
 _'And, where on Earth did she get the word "idiot" from?! I am going to have to talk with either Touka or the neighborhood kids. I'm pretty sure it wasn't from me. Besides, it was Touka who has the potty mouth around the house'_

"Kai, where did you get the "idiot" word from?" Kaneki asked, his thin eyebrows knitting together.

"You said it while you were asleep after the fight you had with Uncle Ayato at the bar you went in with Mom. You said he was a " *bus*-sucking idiot who only knows how to f—" **(*ass*)**

"Enough! Kaira don't you ever repeat what you hear from adults." Touka interrupted.

"But, Dad said everything he says is good for me!" She whined.

"Forget that!" Kaneki hissed, as he turned red. He did remember himself, saying that to her once, though he thought she was too young for her to take it seriously.

"Okay, but still, I will call this bird 'Idiot'!" She demanded and stomped her foot in very-Touka-like-manner.

"YO, KANEKI!" A familiar voice was heard from a distance. A human who had spiky orange hair, Hide. Upon his call, the Kanekis turn their heads in his direction. Riding his bike and waving at them, a box was with him on his bicycle basket.

Hide stopped in their doorway and called Kaira in a rather obvious excited tone.

"Uncle Hide!" Kaira jumped from his father's arms to be picked up by her Uncle Hide.

"Let's see what we've got for you today..." Hide said, exploring the contents of his box. "Ne, Kirishima-san. Is it all right if I give her these?" He brought out two larger robins, a red one and a yellow one. Touka replied with a nod, it seems that Kaneki wasn't all ears of the two. He usually gets whiny when he hears someone call the now, Kaneki Touka; by her maiden name, even if it was his yellow haired best friend.

"They are... for me?!" Kaira exclaimed with a big toothy grin. She didn't ask her parents remembering the talk, they just had.

"Do they have names?" She said, clapping her hands.

"Yeah, the reddish one is Kaneki and the yellow is Ken." Hide smirked.

"After Dad?.. They're nice!" She held the birds carefully and put them in a cage where she had put 'Idiot' earlier.

"Yes! Straight off I have, Idiot and Ken and Kaneki!" Kaira said in a singsong voice. Hide and Touka was laughing their brains off, while Kaneki was blushing and at the same time was in disgrace.

"And that makes..." Hide began.

"IDIOT KANEKI KEN!" Touka yelled, instinctively she ran away from the scene. She felt a little on the mood to be playful today so…

"KANEKI TOUKA! YOU'LL PAY!" Kaneki said running over his wife around the house. Kaira just stared at them.

"Oh, yeah! Make me! You insufferable, little, idiotic prick!" Touka challenged.

"Yes! Right now! And, I am no little prick, don't underestimate Ken Jr.!" Kaneki caught Touka and carried her to their room upstairs. _'Did he seriously give his dick a name? Ken Jr.? Like WTH?'_ Touka made a face and laughed.

"What are they doing?" Kaira asked her Uncle Hide who was holding back a disgusted face.

"We should get out of here" Hide said with a face full of determination while putting Kaira on his bicycle _. 'Geez, who would think that giving them a pair of hoots would lead to sex?!'_ He thought.

"Uncle Hide, you should at least tell me something or I'll have to call Nishiki-san and ask what they are doing."

"It's how you were alive." Hide answered, innocently, trying to hinder the images on his head. "I don't know anything else but that. It is the reason of your existence." Hide's eye twitched.

"Okay... Okay" Kaira replied, obviously unsatisfied. 'The reason of my existence, huh...' She thought. 'Is that how I was created?'

'Hmm...

... Operation: How Was I Made?

Objectives: Spy on my parents and answer my questions. Get resources to help me.

"Operation starts now!" She picked up her cell phone from her pocket and dialed Nishiki's number. 'I hope that the dummy would tell me something.' She mentally smiled.

+-+-+-+-+End of "Kaneki's BIRDS"-+-+-+-+-+

* * *

Bonus 1:

"Where you taking me?" Kara complained, she has been sitting on the back seat of the bike for more than 5 minutes and her legs hurt from dangling on the side.

"I'll take you to someone you would actually learn something from." Hide answered, his eyes were focused on the road but Kaira could see them twitching.

"Okay…"

Later she found herself on the front door of Nishio Nishiki then Hide picked the lock and forced themselves in.

"Nishiki-senpai, Kai just has to learn some things…that her parents wouldn't even explain using the birds and bees." Hide exhaled in relief, and smiled at Nishiki.

"Okay, Kaira. You know when two people really love each other; they do this thing called…"

As the discussion went by, Kaira was either nodding or making a confused face, which made Nishiki happier than ever, he never thought that the "high and mighty Kaira" would even listen to him,just like how Touka never did. Hide was satisfied with what he had done for the day.

'Helped Kaira to be more open-minded than Ken ever was. Check!'

* * *

"Daddy, I know about this…and that thing you do…" After Kaira returned home, she was engrossed about telling her parents the new things she learned from "Nishiki-sensei".

Ken then stood and yelled, "HIDE, NISHIKI! YOU FUCKING TOOK AWAY MY DAUGHTER'S INNOCENCE! I WILL MAKE SURE YOU WILL DIE A PAINFUL DEATH!ARGGGHHH!" Ken glared grimly and stomped his way to the front door.

"You're kidding, right?!" Touka bellowed. Ken froze on his tracks and smiled sheepishly.

"Yes, Ma'am." Ken saluted and made his way back on the dining area.

"Hide, Stupid-Nishiki. Thank me tomorrow for saving you from your apparent "death".' Touka thought and proceeded to cut the meat into smaller pieces for Kaira's dinner.

* * *

 **Done. Hope you liked it. Reviews are appreciated. First fic and sorry if Touka is a bit OOC. I tried my best. Thanks for reading.**


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